Want to know a secret?

Most people who have done genealogy for more than a year have discovered family secrets. The secret might be that the grandparents were married five months before their first child was born. I remember a relative who would tell us everything about her family except her marriage date. When asked, she would steer the conversation in a different direction. It took me quite a while to figure out the probable reason.

Another family kept a secret about their grandfather. He deserted the family. The event was covered up by saying, “Grandpa went to the store and never came back.” The listener would think that something dreadful happened to Grandpa; perhaps he was kidnapped or murdered.

While people are entitled to hide facts that go against society’s expectations, these secrets have ramifications that affect unborn generations. What happens when a person needs to know their genetic heritage?

There are more and more “open” adoptions taking place. With an open adoption, the birth mother selects the adoptive parents. Every party knows the other parties. The child grows up knowing both sets of parents. However, there are still “closed” adoptions where the knowledge of a person’s genetic heritage is stilled by secrets.

Let’s say that we decide to uncover the truth behind a family secret. We are faced with some ethical questions. We have to ask ourselves why we want to search out the truth. Will our search hurt someone? We have to weigh the answers to these questions.

A man has been searching for his birth father for years. He knows his father’s name, but he doesn’t know if the father was ever told about his birth. The father went on to marry a woman in Alabama and to have three daughters. Will this secret destroy the birth father’s family?

Another man was raised by a stepfather. However, his mother has not told him that the stepfather is not his real father. If the mother reveals her secret, will it destroy her relationship with her son?

If we decide that the truth is necessary, the first step is to interview everyone who was involved in the event. That information needs to be scrutinized. What is the possibility that the facts and events actually happened? Are there any documents in the family archives that can provide verification? Are there any courthouse documents?

When you find the truth, you are faced with another set of questions. What do you intend to do with this information? Should the secret remain a secret? Maybe you will keep the secret rather than giving it out.

© 2004

Connie Lenzen, CG^SM

CG, Certified Genealogist, is a service mark of the Board for Certification of Genealogists, used under license by board certified genealogists after periodic evaluation, and the board name is registered in the US Patent & Trademark Office.